A Mothers Work is Never Done

Thoughts from the Night Shift Part I

2011-08-19T19:01:00.000-07:00

I won't go into why it's been over 14 months since I last blogged... reading my last entry just now has made me realise how much has changed in a year. It's 3.04am GMT. I'm writing this. And I'm working!! Yes - working. A proper job. An employed job. I'm at home. It's dark. It's silent... apart from the rather dysfunctional rooster outside who has decided it's sunrise, and crowed for 10 minutes. I'm hoping the badger might have found him and gobbled him up; I was worried he'd wake the children...
You may be wondering what work I might be doing at such an un-Godly hour. Well let me tell you. I am a 'Moderator' and I am working my weekly night shift looking after the highbrow BBC website message boards, blogs etc. I also moderate the rather more lowbrow HSN blogs, complaints and user submitted content. So on one hand it's Peston's latest blog getting a hammering by Joe Public who obviously knows best; and on the other it's Yanks expressing their love for tacky jewellery with matching 'pants'. What can I say - I love my job. I really do - even the night shift. I never dread it. I am so fortunate to have a flexible, employed job which fits around my children. And I'm not stuffing envelopes. I'm using my brain. I'm part of a team. I'm valued (probably more by my employers than my kids!)
So what about my kids.... well now aged 5 and 2 they are both totally joyful and hideous all at the same time. Hard work, demanding, argumentative, rude, aggressive, arrogant..... yet bright, brilliant, endearing and charming, all at once.
I think this shift might double up as my blogging time so I'm hoping to become a regular blogger once again. Until day-break!....

Where on earth have I been?

2010-06-10T02:17:00.000-07:00

Submerged in motherhood, poo, puke, chores and the perpetual search for flexible work. That's where I've been. I have missed the blogosphere though and am happy to return.

A friend of mine has just started a blog which prompted me to re-ignite mine. Check hers out here - http://ramblingsofamumonbedrest.blogspot.com/ I know two friends who are both suffering with the same condition in their pregnancies. Life isn't fair. Pregnancy is hard enough without have extra complications. I'm thinking of them both an awful lot. It makes me realise how lucky I was to have two complication free pregnancies. My babies never wanted to come out, in fact if it wasn't for modern medicine I'm convinced they'd still be in there.

But happily they did come out and are now aged 3 and 3/4 (a very important fraction) and 11 months. If I could freeze time I would. I can safely say I've enjoyed every second of no 2's first year. She is a total delight.

Last time I blogged I was the size of a house but am happy to report that my pre pregnancy wardrobe is fully employed once more. I wish the same could be said for me.... I have been looking for work all year really. My arsehole of an ex-boss never paid me for work done in December and January leaving me in so much financial difficulty that I have had to sell almost everything I own to make ends meet. I have been doing odds and sods since then which has just about cut the mustard until we were told that we have to move house (we currently rent). So once again money matters came to the forefront and the pressure became more intense. I have interviewed for a handful of local jobs and been offered one - hooray! I was excited for about an hour until the realisation that I needed CHILDCARE hit home.... oh crap! I've never left my kids! Ever! I rang childminders, nannies, pre schools and nurseries so that I had watertight childcare arrangements. I did my calculations (thank God I passed GSCE Maths - just!) and collapsed.... after childcare costs, a cleaner (how would I be able to do housework after working 4 days per week?) I would be taking home £95 per month. Depression set in. Even without the cleaner it would be about £150. How could I possibly live without shopping at Waitrose and coffee-ing at Costa?!!! In all seriousness, once I weighed it all up, and added in the emotional trauma of leaving my children - missing out on no 2's first steps etc etc... I turned the job down. No job is worth leaving my children for. I didn't mean to fall in love with them both so much. But this is what being offered that job taught me. I was in tears everyday just thinking about it.

I am a mother first and foremost. Nothing else comes close. And I will wait patiently for my perfect, stay at home job to come up. I'm working on it right now!

Work, Wales, Weightwatchers...

2009-09-16T03:25:00.000-07:00

All the Ws this week....

We've been away for a lovely long weekend to Wales - the Pembrokeshire coast to be precise. I confess I have fallen head over heels for all things Welsh. The deep and soothing accent of the very Welsh. The stunning scenery, sunsets and beaches. And Welsh cakes... yummy... although I couldn't eat too many - I'm on weightwatchers you see. I've got to lose my baby weight - it's hideous. And I thought I hadn't put on that much this time around. I've dropped half a stone and still have a stone and a half to lose. I'm hoping to be back to my pre pregnancy weight by christmas.

I'm still working pretty hard which is quite tiring with breastfeeding, running a toddler to pre school, ballet, music, toddler groups etc. I'm hoping that I won't return to my previous jobs after maternity leave so I'm trying to think of ways to expand my greetings card business. I'm meeting up with my sponsor next week to see how I can do this.

For once my marriage seems to be on track - thank goodness! We'll see how long that lasts!

Where oh where did my bloggy blog go?

2009-09-07T00:02:00.000-07:00

Where the hell have I been? What a year - is it really already September... isn't that the run down to Christmas?? sorry... forbidden word isn't it. I've decided that I must start becoming a regular blogger again. I started this blog up for a good reason and I want to keep that in mind.

This year has been completely manic since I last blogged... in the snow back in February. Since then a few things have happened in my life. I have become an independent Phoenix Cards trader - my latest business venture and something I plan to expand when my circumstances allow for it. It's been great fun so far and has kept me in pocket money, and I really enjoy doing it. Please do contact me if you are interested to find out more - it's a brilliant business opportunity for mothers, and is something entirely flexible that you can do around your family commitments.

I took maternity leave in April and had my tiny baby girl in July - she weighed just 6lbs 1oz! A tiny scrap of a thing but she is gorgeous and a complete treat. She sleeps through the night (don't hate me!) already and rarely cries. I/we are very blessed to have such a good baby.

The summer here has been rubbish yet again - and pretty testing with a 3 year old and a newborn but we seem to have come through it relatively unscathed. It's the first day of the autumn term today and guess what... my 3 year old threw up this morning and so can't go! I've been living for this day and now I have an poorly girl at home on the sofa! I don't want to sound mean but sod's law or what??!

We are hoping to go to west Wales later this week for a much needed family holiday. The weather looks promising so keeping fingers crossed. Am looking forward to more blogging and catching up with your news on your blogs too. Bye for now x

Snow!

2009-02-02T04:34:00.000-08:00

So the country has ground to a halt.... again.... 10cm of snow and the UK can't cope! But down here in Dorset life has pretty much carried on. Our village school has stayed open (thank God!) although I couldnt' drive so had to trudge across the fields with my daughter. It's her first experience of 'real' snow, and although she's been excited, it's cold and the blizzard blasting into her little face hasn't gone down too well! Here are some photos of our morning!

I hope you are enjoying the snow wherever you are....

Back on an even keel..

2009-01-30T09:30:00.000-08:00

Cor... I'm glad January is over, aren't you? No money, crap weather, long month, depression, doom, gloom, recession. Not to mention the emotional issues I've been having this month . However, all's well that ends well. The baby is A OK! Had the test results and 20 week scan and the little devil is right as rain.... and............... it's a girl! I'm so excited! So tick that box.

Work has improved, or rather it has picked up and I should take home a decent pay check this month. I'm working all weekend for an extra £60 which is a pittance, but actually will do a week's shopping, so it's a lot to me.

My husband has gone abroad for a week (YES!!!) so I can slob out, eat junk, watch crap TV, go to bed early, wear my pyjamas all day, gossip to girls all day and generally rebel! Thank God, it feels like I'm on holiday! Actually I miss him now, but I always like these times apart and I know he does too.

The tantrums are still there but not so bad and easier to manage (or just ignore). We have had two uninterrupted night's sleep in succession which is a gift considering the week we have just had with 1. My daughter having a 24 hr tummy bug, cough and ear infection, 2. me getting aforementioned bug and a urinary infection and 3. My husband getting the bug (which naturally hit him hardest of all, poor chap).

So all in all, I'm glad the month is over. May February prove a short, sweet and easy month in comparison. Thank you to God and the good fairies of the world for looking after me and my baby. Let's have a few weeks off from stress now please.

Ten things I hate about men

2009-01-22T07:29:00.000-08:00

I know, I know - only ten? you're asking.. Well I thought I'd try and keep this post short-ish. It's got the potential to be a monster hasn't it..

So I've been having a bit of a time of it lately (see last post) plus I've been working too hard, taking on too much in light of January being a notoriously long and lean month. My daughter has entered the age of TERRIBLE 2s with a bang. I thought I was doing alright on the tantrums front until about 10 days ago. Now they are well known, put in an appearance two or three times a day, and are hailed like an arch enemy of old. VILE. I woke up on Monday morning and the first thing she said was, 'I love Daddy. I not love Mummy'. CRACK... my heart broke. Yet I have to get up, make her breakfast, get her dressed and do lovely stuff with her. Another aspect they don't tell you about being a mother - lose your entire sense of self completely!

Through all this the one thing I could have done with was some support from my darling husband. Some sympathy. A kind word. Some loving. Fat Chance. So here is my list of ten things (it's taken me a week to whittle it down from about 150).

* They return the car on a Sunday night with no fuel in it. Thanks mate.
* They take your child's side of the argument over yours.
* They are lazy.
* They have no idea that motherhood is a JOB.
* They are selfish.
* Their problems are the biggest of everyone's in the whole entire world.
* They undermine you to look good in your child's eyes. (I could have punched him)
* When you feel like shit, they suddenly feel like shit - but worse than you.
* They are inconsistent.
* They have no foresight.

Those are the cream for this week then. I might make this a weekly post... what ten things are pissing me off most this week... hmmm...

Rough with the smooth

2009-01-18T07:12:00.000-08:00

So much for my 2009 positivity. So much for clouds having silver linings. I'm really down in the depths this week. My inspiration has dried up. I'm finding it hard to work or concentrate. I'm losing patience with my toddler daughter and losing my temper too.

I found out this week that my unborn baby might have something wrong with it. Results of screening have put me (or rather my 18 week old unborn baby) at a high risk. It's something I had NEVER thought would happen. Not to me. I'm young (ish), fairly fit and healthy.. I thought I'd be fine. Guess you never know do you. I'm hoping everything will be ok but you have to prepare for the worst don't you. No good pretending everything will be fine if it won't. I've been in hospital and have had some tests done and have to wait now to find out what the results are... which will determine the fate of my little wriggler. God I hope everything will be ok - the odds are stacked in my favour but you can't help feeling that you might be that one statistic.. that 'one' out of however many. What a funny hand life deals you. My last pregnancy was unplanned, unwanted to begin with and extremely stressful. And it was the easiest pregnancy I could have wished for. This one was planned, wanted to badly and has been such a happy time for me up until now. I feel like I have to put my emotions and feelings for the baby on hold until I know if everything will be ok. It's a very surreal time. Motherhood is peppered with highs and lows, new feelings and experiences every day; I really had no idea. I always feel faced with something and this latest bomb is another emotion, another stage to get through, another experience in the scrap book of life. Never what you expect. But I'm a believer in fate and hope that my philosophy will get me through this time. Be grateful for what I have and try to focus on the good things. Hold that thought.

The realities of motherhood, pregnancy and yummy mummies

2009-01-08T07:04:00.000-08:00

I'm reading a book at the moment - I read about one book a year - in January. Must be something to do with resolutions. It usually takes me about 4 months to read it from beginning to end - 3 pages here, a chapter there. But it's nice to read. I like it. I'm reading a book called the Rise and Fall of a Yummy Mummy. My sister in law lent it to me - she's a mother too, and her little girl is month younger than mine. While it's not a brilliant book, it's mama trash and I'm enjoying having a brainless read. It's inspired this post actually.

Before I had children I thought pregnancy was this beautiful, romantic time of swelling mother and growing unborn child. I hadn't realised that it was nine (more like ten) months of losing your figure, teetotal-dom, massive sore tits, dandruff, nosebleeds, spots, lank hair, sickness, cravings, uncomfort, bad back, swollen ankles, swollen fingers, swollen fucking everything, stretch marks. It's not the 'sit back and put your feet up darling' waited on hand and foot moment I had been led to believe. The reality is that it's real life - but harder and you feel like shit for quite a lot of it. (although I secretly love the whole pregnancy thing).

And motherhood isn't hours of coo-ing, cuddling, Johnsons baby powder fragranced nurseries and gurgles and giggles. It's sick on your shoulder, leaking nipples, more stretch marks, weight gain not loss, looking like shit because you dont' have the time to put make up on - or shower, nipple thrush, mastitis, piles, loads of washing, and real life still happens too. You've still got ironing and shopping to get done.

So much for yummy mummies. My sister in law and I call us Slummy Mummies! Slobbing on the sofa with a tub of ice cream watching girlie movies. And why not - surely that is the reality for most of us mothers. By the end of the day you are too knackered to go out and drink champagne daaarling; you want to have a bath, curl up and chill out. Before reality strikes again the following morning. There is so much pressure on mothers to look the part, act the part, be financially independent, professionally successful, have perfectly behaved, clean and well presented children, look after their husbands, keep an immaculate home. Well I'd like to ask one question - who the fuck looks after us?

Silver linings, positivity and good things

2009-01-06T07:08:00.000-08:00

Welcome 2009. You are very welcome indeed. I'm glad 2008 is over. It wasn't the best year I've had. Although when I reflect on it some really wonderful things happened, and I'm grateful to 2008 for teaching me so much and getting me to where I am now... hard as it was. On the bright side:

My husband and I got through some tough (really majorly tough) times and we are now expecting a second baby
I got a job - a good one that pays well (although I have the jitters about it and wonder how long it'll be before it goes tits up)
I learnt the value of money - credit crunch, recession, whatever you want to call it - my lifestyle had to change and I'm embracing it (but not too closely... bring back the days of designer shoes please someone!)

There were other celebrations too - like my brothers wedding. And sad times too, when my uncle died. But on the whole, now I think back, it wasn't so terrible.

So what's in store this year 2009? What are you gonna throw at me? Give me your best shot - I can take it. I'm prepared, willing and feeling invincible! Joking apart, I'm excited about this year. Firstly we're having a classic winter - cold and frosty - so I've got high hopes for a decent summer. I really want (need) a good summer because I'll have a tiny baby and I want to be able to sit in parks and laze under trees in the warm summer afternoons. I've always wanted to do that. I must have seen it in a film once upon a time.

Also I want to earn some good money before the summer - get my teeth stuck into my work and have the money to show for it. My daughter started pre school yesterday - let me tell you it was almost as emotional as giving birth. Seeing her tiny body in its branded school sweat shirt going into the little room and sitting on the floor with the other children broke my heart. If only I could have stayed and watched, but I knew I had to leave her and let her get on with it. What I would have done to be a fly on the wall. However, coming home for 2.5 hours uninterrupted work, housework, phonecalls etc was blissful. I can't deny it. I got soooo much done! She starts ballet next week (I'll be in therapy after that too..) so I will have Monday through Wednesday mornings to myself. I can scarce believe it. I won't know what to do with myself. But it makes me realise how all my aims for 2009 are linked - if I work hard and earn money, I can have my hair done (or go to beautician, or out for coffee, or shopping) on my own without putting on someone to look after my little girl. I'll feel good about myself. I'll feel as though I've made it. I want to use the wifi (we call it weefee in the country!) in the local deli and look important and savvy and sophisticated.

I want us to go on holiday - our first proper family holiday - before the baby comes in June. Just a week in Majorca or somewhere, cheap flights, warm seas and beaches, tapas.... mmmm... the feel of the sand on my feet.

And I'm going to be more positive - more positive about my marriage, my husband and our short comings. We're still here. Still together. Still got a spark even though it can be a bit explosive at times. We have our health. Enough money. A darling daughter. An unborn baby. A house. Food on the table. A future. Bring it on.

Crappy New Year

2008-12-31T13:43:00.001-08:00

I never wanted my blog to become a shoulder to cry on for me; I’m usually good at keeping these things inside and dealing with them. But not tonight. Tonight it’s going to be my tear stained and slightly yellow pillow.. I’ve a glass of bubbly in front of me and it’s got the better of my tongue and fingers. Incurably loosened they need to release the pent up frustration within and blurt out what is on my mind. I know it sounds trivial but my husband and I had a row tonight. A big one. And it’s New Year. And I feel sick as a sick, homeless, stray stinking dog about it. It doesn’t matter what it’s about, it’s what it brings back that hurts so much. This time a year ago we had a really rough Christmas and New Year. It nearly ended us. We came this close to splitting up but battled through it with counselling, tears, arguments, compromises, promises, broken promises etc etc etc. It feels like it’s taken eleven months to get us back on track (and we’ve only been together three and a bit years – with a two and half year old daughter – you do the math) and it’s all been zapped in one fell swoop. One false word. One slammed door. Gone. All the work and trust and the fun times starting again. All over. From my side of things, I’ve worked fucking hard this year. I’ve got new work which is finally paying the bills and I’ve really tried – I mean REALLY tried so God damn hard to put my all into my marriage. When they say relationships are hard work I wanted to put the hours in, but I feel like I’ve been doing overtime in order for it to work – and we’d just got there. And now this. I’m scared to death that the memories conjured up out of this latest row will tip us over the edge. Words get bandied about – divorce, over, end. Words I used to hate on Dynasty and Dallas – not words that I thought would ever mean something to me in real life. And I said such horrid things and I hate myself. But so did he – yet I have apologised to him, but he doesn’t want to know… I’m so god damn upset about it. I’m sat down in the kitchen on the computer, while my husband watches 2008 highlights of motorbike racing – he doesn’t want to see me you see. So I’ll see in 2009 on the pc and skype – except that my internet is down so I’m writing this offline and have no live skype. As if things couldn’t get any worse! I hate feeling depressed, but I definitely do. I want to get shitfaced and smoke fags but I can’t – I’m pregnant. Now even the joy of that feels like a noose. Not that I begrudge my daughter and unborn child. In so many ways, it’d be easier just the three of us. But I want us to be a proper family – we have the possibility and my husband and I love each other so much. But we have this thing between us – I can’t describe it. It’s so destructive. I’m so scared of it. I pray we’ll get the better of it but I can never sit back and relax. Only today I was sitting in the car thinking how happy I was – now look at me. It might as well be another existence. Christ, all I wanted this year was NO STRESS. And so far it has been. But it’s all gone tits up tonight and there doesn’t seem to be anything I can do about it except blog. I do feel better for letting it out. I don’t feel I can’t talk to anyone on the phone about it. So whoever this reaches, thanks for listening. And I’m sorry to bang on selfishly. But here’s to you, good luck in 2009. Raise a glass – I’m going to. Alone.

Christmas Propaganda

2008-12-21T09:09:00.001-08:00

This is my first Christmas as the mother of a toddler. It's quite a different ball game this year. The tree is a temptation beyond control, the sight of presents is too much to take. Chocolate is everywhere... on the tree, in the drawers, hidden in cupboards and on toddler un-friendly levels on the supermarket shelves. Trying to tell a 2 year old that they can only open one door of the advent calendar (non choc) each day is impossible. Telling them that they can't open any presents until Christmas day leads to tantrums and battles. So I resort to threats and bribes. I feel like the Mother Mafia, "If you don't behave yourself then Father Christmas won't bring you ANY presents!"... and so on. It led me to think that all these things - Father Christmas, the Tooth Fairy, the Easter Bunny etc etc were all invented to attempt to keen children on the straight and narrow. No wonder so many kids resort to crime - they've probably just realised that the basis of their childhood has been a lie. Mind you, so far it seems to be working so I'm going to stick with it. Bribes are brilliant and threats of no Santa are too much to risk. Hooray for make believe.

Exciting News!

2008-12-18T01:29:00.000-08:00

I'M PREGNANT!!! (mental note to self - do not show this blog to my employees!) Tee hee! Well not until I have a water tight contract anyway.
We had the dating scan yesterday afternoon finally - I say finally because I was supposed to have it a fortnight ago but I have such a ghastly baby brain this time around, that I got the date wrong and missed my slot. I was devastated. Anyway, every cloud has a silver lining, because the baby was 2 weeks bigger and brighter and was in the mood to party yesterday. It waved and squirmed and wriggled and smiled beautifully for the photograph. I was quite overcome with emotion. When I had the first scan with my daughter she was asleep and looked much light a fuzzy black and white baked bean. So I was thrilled to see movement. My husband is convinced it's another girl. I think secretly he had been hoping for a boy.. someone to pass on his craze of motorbikes to.
So I'm 14 weeks today, and starting to show already. I don't think I looked anything other than thick (HATE that word, who invented the hideous expression - 'thickening of the waist'?) until about 5 months last time around. I'm eating for Britain, the Channel Islands and most of Europe. I should theoretically be obese. My boobs are VAST. Looks like it might be a bigger baby this time around. My daughter was a dinky 6lb 5oz. I like small babies though - they stay babies for longer I think.
I'm so excited that I will have two children who will grow up together. Friends for life, partners in crime, soulmates and co-conspirators. I'm already wondering how I will manage to get one child off to school, ballet etc while I have a newborn chomping at my boobs... but I'm sure things will work out fine. Just thought I'd share the news - I've been brimming for 2 months and finally can open the flood gates and tell everyone!

What Christmas means for working mothers

2008-12-15T10:33:00.000-08:00

I'm finally getting into the Christmas spirit. The tree is up. My little girl has broken up from nursery (sounds terrifyingly grown up!). The stress is starting and the bank account is fucked to put it bluntly. And I've yet to sort a pub for our 'stress and cooking free' Christmas dinner. Once again it's money and pressure that has prompted me to post this. Although I'm excited about time off and my family being together, I'm terrified at the prospect of not earning for a few days - it always seems to leave a huge dent in the monthly pay cheque. I yearn for the days when you took 5 days paid holiday and got 2 weeks out of the office - care and stress free. One of my companies is being very generous in doing a special festive Christmas payment run so that we get paid before the 25th. I'm hugely grateful to them for it. It's a shame the other firms I work for didn't want to jump on the joyous bandwagon, but I can understand why. I feel the pressure to earn and keep earning is constantly on my back. If I don't, I always fall short the next month - I get stung for bank charges and find myself in the same situation only worse and more peeved the next month. January is a notoriously long and hard and desperate month... I'm just hoping that I've done, and I'm doing enough to ensure that we'll get through Christmas and have a decent cheque in 2009. Sorry to sound so negative but it's reality... I can see why some people dread Christmas. It is in some ways such a happy and giving time; and in others a worry and a necessary evil. I should look at the true meaning of Christmas and be thankful, and I am, I really am. But in modern times it's hard to see it as something other than a money guzzling nightmare.

A Tragic Day...

2008-12-14T10:06:00.000-08:00

Things have been really great lately. Busy, bright, fun and easy going. Money is tight but we're okay. Life is sweet.
Saturday morning comes and the 'phone rings. My husband answers it and by his voice I know it's for me. It sounds like my mum from the way my husband talks about the weather and doesn't swear. He passes the handset to me, but it's not my mother - it's my father. My father NEVER calls me - Never. Unless I've forgotten my mother's birthday when he's ringing to bollock me. I know instantly that something isn't right and my brain starts whirring through possibilities -what have I forgotten? What might I have said that has pissed someone off and hurt them? But I can't think. Then he tells me that he's got bad news. My uncle died last night. My heart instantly fills with sadness for my father - his younger brother - his soulmate - his partner in crime when they were kids. What must it be like to lose a brother? My dad is strong and quite matter of fact and even tries a bit of humour to lighten the conversation. But I'm just so sad for him and for my older brother who was so close to my uncle. For my aunt - who woke to find her husband cold and lifeless beside her in bed on Saturday morning. For their grandchildren - who will never get to taste his delicious cooking and explore his amazing mind. I'm just so sad. And I regret that he never met my daughter. You always regret the things you don't do, rather than the things you do, don't you?
I wonder where he has gone now. I hope it is somewhere nice. Where he will be happy and restful finally. It feels like a light has gone out; I just hope that one is illuminated somewhere further on his journey.

Growing Babies

2008-12-10T00:56:00.000-08:00

I worked late last night - well 9pm. That's late for me. My brain disintegrates at about 7.45pm most days. If I'm lucky it will switch to auto pilot for an extra half hour. At 9pm I went to watch TV for an hour to relax before getting an early night which I'd been looking foward to for obvious reasons - my husband is away! Yesssss!!!!

As per normal there was nothing on. We have about 900 channels and every night the same problem - NOTHING on. I mean nothing! It gets quite depressing. I thank God for Sky Plus actually; at least then I can watch something I actually wanted to watch and couldn't at the time it was on. Last night's selection was Growing Babies - a new 2 parter on BBC 4 (felt quite cultural I must say). I'm intrigued by anything concerning babies, childbirth, pregnancy etc. Never was before having one, but now I'm fully converted. The miracle of life becomes quite an obsessive subject in my mind.

I was actually quite upset by the programme. I didn't watch it all to be fair, but the general jist is that your unborn child is 'warring' against you - the mother ship - for survival. Whilst I realise they take a lot from us and make us feel pretty crap for the best part of a year, I was under the lovely, romantic impression that pregnancy was a time of nurture, protection, unrequited giving and provision to ensure your unborn child has the best nutrition and chance of survival come the birth day. If you have an hour to spare take a look - there are 9 days left to watch it online.

BBC 4 Growing Babies

I'd love to hear what you think. Am I being ultra sensitive typical mother, ignoring facts and wanting my last, and any future pregnancies to be a joyful time. Not feeling as though the foetus is actually trying to bump me off so that it has a better chance in life. Good God. I think it's preposterous!! What are these people trying to do???!

Treasurer's Treasure! HO HO HO!

2008-12-09T10:06:00.000-08:00

Well last night was Bingo night (even though I thought it was tonight - my brain has frozen with most of the UK lately..) and I have to say that I'm converted. I thought it was going to be full of the blue rinse brigade - plus the pikeys from 'the flats' in the village (I'm not a snob but if you saw them you'd understand); and silly youths getting drunk of a bit of festive mulled wine and taking the piss - but it wasn't. Although the pikeys did turn up. I saw a whole other side to the charming village I live in. Some of them reminded me of the weirdos from The Hills Have Eyes - I might have even had nightmares last night. Joking aside it was great. Full of festive cheer, generosity, high spirits and fun. We made a killing for the school and I won a bottle of champagne and some chocolates which will do very well in someone's stocking. Hooray!

I somehow managed to get my head around the money taking aspect and managed to prise a tenner out of most Bingo goers. No mean feat for me despite being the Pre School Treasurer! I also learnt quite a lot of Bingo lingo as we coined it. Eyes down - line - house - specials - on it's own, number one... I had a great time. I'd highly recommend it for a bit of fun, great way of making some cash for a worthy cause, and general living it up. It all goes on in the country.

Home Alone... again

2008-12-09T09:30:00.000-08:00

I don't know if I've told you much about my husband. He's quite a unique character - in a positive and a negative way. He's fiercely independent. No one ever thought he'd get married. He's a bit of 'the glass is half empty' type of man. He can be unintentionally selfish sometimes. And there is one rule for him and another for everyone else. Those are the negatives by the way! On the positive side, he loves our daughter so tenderly it brings me to tears; his intentions are always to support and give to his family; he is passionate about the things he loves and he is incredibly loyal.
Anyway, the point is he's not here. He's in deepest darkest Wales at the moment. Working. He was in Spain for 8 days a fortnight ago on a jolly too. He loves motorbikes you see. He loves them more than me - I'm sure it was written on our marriage certificate somewhere. As he says whenever we argue about anything - 'bikes were in my life a long time before you were!'. Can you believe it?! I don't mind actually. I'm glad he is passionate about something. It gets him out of the house, he has a social life attached to it, and it motivates him.
So he had 8 days in sunny Spain while I shivered with a cold in miserable Devon, and now he's away in Wales working with his Dad. Well it's not quite Alicante, but it's still being away from home. I ought to be complaining but I'm not! I actually enjoy it when he goes away:

I can work without feeling guilty that I'm ignoring him.
I can eat junk and not worry that he's watching me and thinking I'm going to get fat(ter).
I am in charge of the TV remote! Hoorah!!!
My daughter's routine is stuck to without fail and she is always in bed by 7pm so I can enjoy a wind down glass of wine.
I don't worry that my possessions are scattered EVERYWHERE.
I can sprawl diagonally across our bed.

Brilliant!! It's just a pity that he's only away until Thursday.

All I want for Christmas....

2008-12-04T00:40:00.000-08:00

Boo hiss. This credit crunch lark is really starting to bite. I don't think I would have noticed it if I was still a working girl in London (not that kind of working girl!)... gloriously single, selfish, affluent, well groomed, didn't know the meaning of the word tired... but now with kids, a husband and extended family to think about buying presents for, you really start to notice the pinch. Not to mention mortgages, credit cards - and bank charges. My fucking bank took £300 in charges last month... it left me skint, crying, depressed, anxious and seriously pissed off for weeks - I still haven't got over it in case you are wondering. When you work all the precious hours you can muster, in and around being a full time mother of a toddler, and being a full time housewife, and then half of what you earned goes up in smoke, into some Lloyds effing Bank fat cat's bonus pocket, it really grates. That money was set aside to pay for an old loan payment and also finish off my Christmas shopping... Which is now still waiting, sat on a wish list on amazon.co.uk. This month isn't much better, although one good thing is our mortgage which thankfully has come down considerably. But no matter how much money you make or save, you hardly notice it - you just notice that it always goes straight back out of your bank account. Who actually manages to save any money at the moment?

So it's got me thinking about what is important this Christmas. And actually it's not the presents, although I want to treat my daughter to a few Peppa Pig bits and pieces. It's about my family, my immediate family being together. It's about good will, fun, sharing and caring. It's about watching The Snowman and the Christmas Eastenders. And then it's about looking to 2009, how I can improve our situation financially. I think I will apply for more work and really knuckle down and get more coming in. That will be my New Years resolution... So it's all about positivity, checking reality and hoping that things will get better. But for now everything is fine. Gone are the gluttonous Christmases of late, which is no bad thing.

'Tis The Season To Be Jolly... fa la lalalaaaaaaaAAAAA!!

2008-12-01T07:00:00.000-08:00

AAAHHHGGGGHHHH!!! Sometimes I just HATE Christmas, don't you? I am usually such a positive person and am pretty happy most of the time but Christmas really stresses me out. It's not the present buying, the cooking, the decorations, the noise or the same old Christmas tunes belting out of the radio... it's the F word. Shhh... families. Did you hear that? Sometimes I just can't be doing with them. It's even worse now I'm married and have a child. It's not that my parents want to see my or my husband, but they want to see our little girl; they live two counties away so it always has to be an overnighter when we see them.. this fills my husband with dread - he's antisocial at the best of times, and to make matters worse - he and my parents don't see eye to eye, never have, never will... My husbands idea of Christmas is slippers on, remote in hand, Quality Streets at the ready. My parents like us all to join in - silver service, champagne, let's get pissed and play charades. Chalk and very smelly stilton cheese...

My in-laws (who I get on with very well) are always at home and always have their other children and granchildren over for Christmas lunch. This is all well and good except that the grandchildren run the show. Call me old fashioned but I expect to be able to sit down for Christmas dinner and stay at the table throughout (bar trips to the lavatory or to top up drinks etc). I don't expect kids to be zooming around on scooters, not sharing things - screaming MINE! every 5 minutes and basically not allowing any grown up conversation to exist while they are conscious. Maybe Christmas dinner in the evening would resolve this, but my mother in law insists on lunch time. And surprisingly she is more than happy to let the kids run riot, behave like monsters and drive everyone potty. My husband and I can't cope with the level of noise, level of bad behaviour, the stress that it causes as the parents of the badly behaved kids get frowned on and in turn get the hump and behave badly. Phew.

Roll on the 25th - we're off to the pub!

Respect a Working Mother!

2008-11-30T02:40:00.000-08:00

This just about sums up my thoughts!!! (see below post - Easy Targets?)

Easy targets?

2008-11-30T02:02:00.000-08:00

I was lying in bed at 4.15am this morning seething... my daughter was wide awake next to me telling me she wanted milk and to watch Peppa Pig. My husband had hot footed it to the sofa to avoid being kicked in the back by aforementioned wide awake daughter... In the process of the stress of being woken so early, I had tipped a glass of water over the bedside table nearly electrocuting myself and my family with the baby monitor. What a way to start the sabbath.... I haven't slept since. My eyes are squinting and it's only 10am. I lay in bed procrastinating and analysing my life, my role as a mother, my struggles and my victories. It's a regular discussion I have with myself and to be honest I do enjoy them, but not at such an ungodly hour.

I used to look at motherhood through rose tinted spectacles... I imagined life would remain pretty much the same as it always had been. Having a nice Sunday lunch out in a pub or restaurant, breastfeeding under a pashmina, shopping for myself and baby at our leisure.. It's not like that though is it? And the more I thought about it, the more I felt sort of, taken advantage of as a mother... Suddenly I am expected to be 100% domesticated, 100% dependent, 100% grateful for anything else that I get out of the ordinary, 100% thankful that my life now is dominated by a baby... and don't get me wrong - I am SO grateful and I love my daughter, my husband, my life... But I'm not ready to throw in the towel yet. There are still things I want to achieve. My brain hasn't packed up yet (debatable). Not to mention the credit crunch - how mothers can depend 100% on their husbands and partners for financial support in times like this, I cannot fathom - the pressure must be immense.

Recently I have started a new job working from home which I am passionate about and really enjoy. All the employees in my position are mothers and we all work from home - although we are in constant touch on social networking sites, Skype and email. The terms of our employment has recently come under scrutiny and it transpires that the position will not be an employed one... This has shocked us all since we have shown loyalty, commitment and devotion to this new venture. It has changed everything. We now feel somewhat abused and taken advantage of as mothers... we feel as though they (the company) deem us as a desperate workforce who would be grateful for any morsels of work we would be lucky enough to find. Apparently they cannot afford to take us on as employed with the associated costs involved, but it feels as though our commitment to them is not reciprocated and we feel hideously let down.

Personally I feel as though I'm in a catch 22 situation - I am not prepared to go out to work and pay extortionate childcare costs in order to bring home a pittance; but I also respect myself enough to want to challenge myself and I want to have a proper job which I can do at home. With modern technology I'm surprised more people don't work from home. So I feel a bit as though this company has got me where they want me - too scared to turn my back on the potential of a good job and good prospects and half decent money (for a part time, stay at home mother.. ha ha); too scared to confront them about it and fight my corner to be employed in case they get pissed off and tell me to do just that.

So I suppose I revert to form, and probably the form of most mothers - I will put up, and shut up!

When did you last read a good book?

2008-11-26T10:11:00.001-08:00

This post has been inspired by another post in another blog, of which I am a fan and avid reader - http://badmuthablogger.com/. She tells of how she used to read books - you know, novels, romances, mysteries, Harry Potter.... they've got pages and sometimes pictures. And you can escape and lose yourself in wonderful stories. I used to read a lot too... but since having my little girl I have read ONE BOOK. Yes one. It was an excellent book though. A Thousand Splendid Suns. I highly recommend it. But since then I haven't had the time or energy to even pick up and read the back cover of a book.... I read and research for work. I read bank statements and letters from the council office telling me they haven't received my latest cheque; I read to my daughter and I seem to read food labels... but I don't read books anymore. I'm going to put it on my New Years Resolutions list - Read more books. One a month. Where will the time come from?!

Pah! PA?

2008-11-20T04:56:00.000-08:00

I've just read an astonishing article - well I found it astonishing. I think most every day mothers would feel the same. Admittedly the article was in The Times, which probably appeals to a higher form of human being to me, but even if it had been in the News of the World I would still have been open-mouthed.

Apparently mothers now have the option to employ a PA to do the jobs they can't fit into their busy lives. From Christmas shopping, to organising childrens' parties, these PAs can seemingly do anything, and work any hours you instruct them. Well wouldn't that be lovely, if you can afford one! How many mothers in this day and age, particularly with the credit cruch, can afford to pay for this 'extra pair of hands'? Not me. I am my husband's PA, my daughter's PA, my own PA for that matter, and still I have to find time for my own work and ordinary day to day housewifing and mothering duties. You have to be organised and find the time - even if that means staying up til' Midnight (and looking rough in the mornings). I can only imagine that these mothers who can afford a PA are out enjoying champagne lunches while the tasks they consider too mundane are undertaken by a perfect stranger. Or am I a cynic? Tell me if you think so.

Do they consider themselves above the normal, run of the mill parenting duties? Or are they so disorganised, or over-achieving that they simply need the added help? Either way it proves that there is far too much pressure on mothers to look gorgeous, have gorgeous, well behaved children, hold down a job, look after a household, have a perfect marriage, and fit in time for a social life too.

Angelina's answer

2008-11-19T04:46:00.000-08:00

Apparently Angelina Jolie has decided to fade from the public eye and movie stardom in favour of being a full time, stay at home mother. Good on her I say. But I wonder why it's taken her so long to make the move? I am not a fan of these celebrity mothers who are back to a sickly size zero straight after giving birth; or those who are running half marathons two weeks after having a C Section. In my view they should be at home with their newborns, bonding with them, getting to know their quirks, nursing them and letting their babies learn all about their mothers and surroundings. Those first few months and years are so important.

So why has it taken Angelina so long to succumb to the charms of being a stay at home mother? Surely not financial pressure. It must be the love of movie making. Or perhaps just because she has the luxury to choose a career over parenthood. What do you think? And do you really think that she will be the full time mother cliche? Cooking, cleaning, doing school runs etc? Looking slightly harrassed in her pyjamas at the school gates at 9am?! I can't quite see it myself, but credit where credit is due - she obviously loves being a mother.

Am I bad?

2008-11-18T03:47:00.000-08:00

I was at my local toddler group last week - it's a mainstay of the week's timetable and I love it as much as my daughter. It's a chance for all the village mums to get together and gossip about who is pregnant, who's just had a baby, who's child has got chicken pox, who's child minder has just quit etc. It makes you realise that each and every mother has different issues to deal with on a daily basis. When it comes to childcare issues I count myself so fortunate that I don't have to:

a) pay for childcare
b) depend on it in order to go out to work
c) have to go through the morning and afternoon nightmare of racing to drop kids, collect kids etc.

Do any other mums at home feel the same? I realise that it's an essential part of motherhood for some, if not most mothers, but I couldn't do it. I am blessed to have skills which enable me to work from home. Although I seem to be working and mothering all at once, not to mention being a housewife.... chef... cleaner... maid... chauffer... teacher... entertainer...any others? I love it and wouldn't have it any other way now. Selfishly I like knowing that the money I earn stays in my pocket, and doesn't go straight out into paying for childcare.

However back to toddler group - our lovely lady who runs it also is my daughter's 'teacher' at nursery and she informed me that they would be moving her down to the pre school in January. This is quite early as they usually take them from two and a half or two years, nine months - my daughter was only two in August. I COULD HARDLY SUPRESS MY ELATION!!!!! The thought of three whole clear hours at home twice a week is a GIFT! Does it make me a bad, careless mother to feel this way? I don't feel as though I'm turfing the little maid out of the house, unloved and unwanted. I know she will relish in the time spent with her little friends - and to be honest a 9am-12pm slot at pre school is far more convenient than the 1.30-3.15pm I already take her to.

As a working from home mother, these mornings could add up to some really valuable and precious, uninterrupted work time... although I will have to live one dream first - I'm taking my laptop to the local deli/coffee shop, I'm going to order a large coffee and eggs benedict and abuse the wifi. For work purposes only. Honest.

My working from home life..

2008-11-16T11:08:00.000-08:00

I am a full time, 'stay at home' mummy, and I also work from home. Supposedly part time - but as I mother full time, I'd say I work pretty much from dusk til dawn - try telling that to my husband!! These two pictures struck me as funny...

This is what I aspire to be:

But this is what I really am!!! (note the wine!!)

Goosebumps..

2008-11-16T02:03:00.000-08:00

Some things really get to you don't they? In a good way I mean. Yesterday I was laid up on the sofa with a miserable cold so I did the usual indulgence of watching Strictly and X Factor. I'm not a huge fan of X Factor but I did watch the series when Leona won it. She is truly amazing. Her performance last night has really stuck in my head. Some things really get to you and make you cry... this is one such thing for me.

A womans work is never done

2008-11-12T06:27:00.000-08:00

Do you ever feel like you're just chasing your tail day in day out. Some weeks should never start... I hate not getting anything done in they day in the knowledge that tomorrow I'll have twice as much to do. While I'm writing this, I'm looking at an unabating mountain of ironing - small ironing, in that it's my 2 year old's wardrobe that needs the Morphy Richards treatment. Nothing more ghastly than ironing minute dresses! Maybe I sound totally anal, but I like my life to be organised and to run smoothly. I'm not good with stress. I'm a typical Libran.

Short and sweet today - got to dash to collect little one from nursery, race to the post office before closing and get some supper before himself returns home from a cold, wet hard day at work.

Wet and windy weekend

2008-11-09T06:05:00.000-08:00

Well what a washout. What do you do when you're tired, got a hyper active 2 year old at home, and it's pouring with rain and blowing a hooley? It's been one of those weekends. We are blessed to have a large sitting room and so we made an exciting indoor play den with bean bags, cushions, duvets etc. It was hilarious actually. I wasn't feeling very well - tired and feeling quite queasy so I just chilled on the sofa - I managed to watch Harry Potter, Daylight and Midsomer Murders back to back. Must be a record. I dont' think I've watched that much TV since giving birth! Indulgent as it was, I loved it! And feel much better today.

I'm still nervous about my Treasurer position for a number of reasons. I'll go into it at a later date. I seem to have a lot on my hands at the moment and no let up during the day, and usually so tired in the evenings... plus I try to keep my evenings to be with my husband and have some together time. If we don't spend time together we drift apart so it's important to work hard at the marriage too. It's hard to keep things in balance and I always strive to try and keep everything on an even keel, but it's a constant struggle.

Got lots to look forward to though - going hunting (apologies to you who may be anti, but we only follow a trail) next Saturday. Hoping to see Bond tomorrow night - my belated birthday treat from James... I wonder if it'll happen!? Ever the pessimist! I might treat myself to an eyelash tint this week too - I look like an albino. Hideous.

Me and my big mouth

2008-11-06T23:51:00.000-08:00

As you may know, it was the local pre school committee meeting last night. I finally rolled home at 10.20pm, shattered, brain numb and also quite concerned. One of the first points on the agenda was that our Treasurer had decided to call it a day. So I, trying to have a voice in the meeting, asked, "Who's going to take over from her?". Eight pairs of eyes all on me.... "You asked the question", they all all chorus. Oh help. I'm the new treasurer. It's like a life sentence. I barely passed Maths GCSE. At intermediate level! Apparently all I need to do is put SAGE on my computer - I thought Sage was a herb? Dear God this could be very bad. What if no one ever gets paid again and I get jailed for stealing company money!? I'm going to need some serious tuition. Hell. As if I haven't enough to do already. Not only am I a full time mummy, but I also juggle 4 jobs - thankfully all from home. Do I really have the time and inclination to be an accountant? I'm trying to be positive - if the school doesn't have a committee and associated team then the school can't run. So it's doing my bit isn't it. Roll on the Christmas Bingo night and the mulled wine.... or is that not a good idea if I'm in charge of the money?

Being a responsible parent!

2008-11-06T11:43:00.001-08:00

So I'm here at 7.45pm, trying to watch Eastenders and also trying to get rid of the remnants of supper, trying to get out the door to go to my daughter's school parent committee meeting, and most importantly - writing this! I think it's quite funny that they asked me to be on the 'board' of the committee. I don't do very much but sit in meetings and eat stale biscuits and nod my head when appropriate. But if they didn't have enough parents on the board then the school wouldn't be able to operate - so it's all in a good cause. I never realised that being a parent would bring these types of responsibilities and roles - did you? But I like it - it opens new doors and introduces new faces and friends. It also means I have to trudge out into the winter cold at 8pm when I'd far rather be ensconced on the sofa watching TV. It's been a long day.

Virgin Blogger

2008-11-06T11:38:00.000-08:00

This is the very first post on my very first blog. Raise a glass of champagne. I feel as though I've arrived. I'm a fully fledged member of the blogosphere. I quite like it here.

This blog will be a like a classic diary for me. I will try to post a few times a week and try and keep it interesting. I'm a 'stay at home mom', and also work from home. My daughter is 2 and a handful. My husband is 35 and a larger handful. I am easy going, the peace keeper. I'm a Libran and i like things harmonious and relaxed. I strive for it.

I live in the depths of Dorset and I love it here. It is one of the most beautiful places I have known.