Back on an even keel..

Cor... I'm glad January is over, aren't you? No money, crap weather, long month, depression, doom, gloom, recession. Not to mention the emotional issues I've been having this month . However, all's well that ends well. The baby is A OK! Had the test results and 20 week scan and the little devil is right as rain.... and............... it's a girl! I'm so excited! So tick that box.

Work has improved, or rather it has picked up and I should take home a decent pay check this month. I'm working all weekend for an extra £60 which is a pittance, but actually will do a week's shopping, so it's a lot to me.

My husband has gone abroad for a week (YES!!!) so I can slob out, eat junk, watch crap TV, go to bed early, wear my pyjamas all day, gossip to girls all day and generally rebel! Thank God, it feels like I'm on holiday! Actually I miss him now, but I always like these times apart and I know he does too.

The tantrums are still there but not so bad and easier to manage (or just ignore). We have had two uninterrupted night's sleep in succession which is a gift considering the week we have just had with 1. My daughter having a 24 hr tummy bug, cough and ear infection, 2. me getting aforementioned bug and a urinary infection and 3. My husband getting the bug (which naturally hit him hardest of all, poor chap).

So all in all, I'm glad the month is over. May February prove a short, sweet and easy month in comparison. Thank you to God and the good fairies of the world for looking after me and my baby. Let's have a few weeks off from stress now please.

Ten things I hate about men

I know, I know - only ten? you're asking.. Well I thought I'd try and keep this post short-ish. It's got the potential to be a monster hasn't it..

So I've been having a bit of a time of it lately (see last post) plus I've been working too hard, taking on too much in light of January being a notoriously long and lean month. My daughter has entered the age of TERRIBLE 2s with a bang. I thought I was doing alright on the tantrums front until about 10 days ago. Now they are well known, put in an appearance two or three times a day, and are hailed like an arch enemy of old. VILE. I woke up on Monday morning and the first thing she said was, 'I love Daddy. I not love Mummy'. CRACK... my heart broke. Yet I have to get up, make her breakfast, get her dressed and do lovely stuff with her. Another aspect they don't tell you about being a mother - lose your entire sense of self completely!

Through all this the one thing I could have done with was some support from my darling husband. Some sympathy. A kind word. Some loving. Fat Chance. So here is my list of ten things (it's taken me a week to whittle it down from about 150).

* They return the car on a Sunday night with no fuel in it. Thanks mate.
* They take your child's side of the argument over yours.
* They are lazy.
* They have no idea that motherhood is a JOB.
* They are selfish.
* Their problems are the biggest of everyone's in the whole entire world.
* They undermine you to look good in your child's eyes. (I could have punched him)
* When you feel like shit, they suddenly feel like shit - but worse than you.
* They are inconsistent.
* They have no foresight.

Those are the cream for this week then. I might make this a weekly post... what ten things are pissing me off most this week... hmmm...

Rough with the smooth

So much for my 2009 positivity. So much for clouds having silver linings. I'm really down in the depths this week. My inspiration has dried up. I'm finding it hard to work or concentrate. I'm losing patience with my toddler daughter and losing my temper too.

I found out this week that my unborn baby might have something wrong with it. Results of screening have put me (or rather my 18 week old unborn baby) at a high risk. It's something I had NEVER thought would happen. Not to me. I'm young (ish), fairly fit and healthy.. I thought I'd be fine. Guess you never know do you. I'm hoping everything will be ok but you have to prepare for the worst don't you. No good pretending everything will be fine if it won't. I've been in hospital and have had some tests done and have to wait now to find out what the results are... which will determine the fate of my little wriggler. God I hope everything will be ok - the odds are stacked in my favour but you can't help feeling that you might be that one statistic.. that 'one' out of however many. What a funny hand life deals you. My last pregnancy was unplanned, unwanted to begin with and extremely stressful. And it was the easiest pregnancy I could have wished for. This one was planned, wanted to badly and has been such a happy time for me up until now. I feel like I have to put my emotions and feelings for the baby on hold until I know if everything will be ok. It's a very surreal time. Motherhood is peppered with highs and lows, new feelings and experiences every day; I really had no idea. I always feel faced with something and this latest bomb is another emotion, another stage to get through, another experience in the scrap book of life. Never what you expect. But I'm a believer in fate and hope that my philosophy will get me through this time. Be grateful for what I have and try to focus on the good things. Hold that thought.

The realities of motherhood, pregnancy and yummy mummies

I'm reading a book at the moment - I read about one book a year - in January. Must be something to do with resolutions. It usually takes me about 4 months to read it from beginning to end - 3 pages here, a chapter there. But it's nice to read. I like it. I'm reading a book called the Rise and Fall of a Yummy Mummy. My sister in law lent it to me - she's a mother too, and her little girl is month younger than mine. While it's not a brilliant book, it's mama trash and I'm enjoying having a brainless read. It's inspired this post actually.

Before I had children I thought pregnancy was this beautiful, romantic time of swelling mother and growing unborn child. I hadn't realised that it was nine (more like ten) months of losing your figure, teetotal-dom, massive sore tits, dandruff, nosebleeds, spots, lank hair, sickness, cravings, uncomfort, bad back, swollen ankles, swollen fingers, swollen fucking everything, stretch marks. It's not the 'sit back and put your feet up darling' waited on hand and foot moment I had been led to believe. The reality is that it's real life - but harder and you feel like shit for quite a lot of it. (although I secretly love the whole pregnancy thing).

And motherhood isn't hours of coo-ing, cuddling, Johnsons baby powder fragranced nurseries and gurgles and giggles. It's sick on your shoulder, leaking nipples, more stretch marks, weight gain not loss, looking like shit because you dont' have the time to put make up on - or shower, nipple thrush, mastitis, piles, loads of washing, and real life still happens too. You've still got ironing and shopping to get done.

So much for yummy mummies. My sister in law and I call us Slummy Mummies! Slobbing on the sofa with a tub of ice cream watching girlie movies. And why not - surely that is the reality for most of us mothers. By the end of the day you are too knackered to go out and drink champagne daaarling; you want to have a bath, curl up and chill out. Before reality strikes again the following morning. There is so much pressure on mothers to look the part, act the part, be financially independent, professionally successful, have perfectly behaved, clean and well presented children, look after their husbands, keep an immaculate home. Well I'd like to ask one question - who the fuck looks after us?

Silver linings, positivity and good things

Welcome 2009. You are very welcome indeed. I'm glad 2008 is over. It wasn't the best year I've had. Although when I reflect on it some really wonderful things happened, and I'm grateful to 2008 for teaching me so much and getting me to where I am now... hard as it was. On the bright side:

• My husband and I got through some tough (really majorly tough) times and we are now expecting a second baby
• I got a job - a good one that pays well (although I have the jitters about it and wonder how long it'll be before it goes tits up)
• I learnt the value of money - credit crunch, recession, whatever you want to call it - my lifestyle had to change and I'm embracing it (but not too closely... bring back the days of designer shoes please someone!)

There were other celebrations too - like my brothers wedding. And sad times too, when my uncle died. But on the whole, now I think back, it wasn't so terrible.

So what's in store this year 2009? What are you gonna throw at me? Give me your best shot - I can take it. I'm prepared, willing and feeling invincible! Joking apart, I'm excited about this year. Firstly we're having a classic winter - cold and frosty - so I've got high hopes for a decent summer. I really want (need) a good summer because I'll have a tiny baby and I want to be able to sit in parks and laze under trees in the warm summer afternoons. I've always wanted to do that. I must have seen it in a film once upon a time.

Also I want to earn some good money before the summer - get my teeth stuck into my work and have the money to show for it. My daughter started pre school yesterday - let me tell you it was almost as emotional as giving birth. Seeing her tiny body in its branded school sweat shirt going into the little room and sitting on the floor with the other children broke my heart. If only I could have stayed and watched, but I knew I had to leave her and let her get on with it. What I would have done to be a fly on the wall. However, coming home for 2.5 hours uninterrupted work, housework, phonecalls etc was blissful. I can't deny it. I got soooo much done! She starts ballet next week (I'll be in therapy after that too..) so I will have Monday through Wednesday mornings to myself. I can scarce believe it. I won't know what to do with myself. But it makes me realise how all my aims for 2009 are linked - if I work hard and earn money, I can have my hair done (or go to beautician, or out for coffee, or shopping) on my own without putting on someone to look after my little girl. I'll feel good about myself. I'll feel as though I've made it. I want to use the wifi (we call it weefee in the country!) in the local deli and look important and savvy and sophisticated.

I want us to go on holiday - our first proper family holiday - before the baby comes in June. Just a week in Majorca or somewhere, cheap flights, warm seas and beaches, tapas.... mmmm... the feel of the sand on my feet.

And I'm going to be more positive - more positive about my marriage, my husband and our short comings. We're still here. Still together. Still got a spark even though it can be a bit explosive at times. We have our health. Enough money. A darling daughter. An unborn baby. A house. Food on the table. A future. Bring it on.