Crappy New Year

I never wanted my blog to become a shoulder to cry on for me; I’m usually good at keeping these things inside and dealing with them. But not tonight. Tonight it’s going to be my tear stained and slightly yellow pillow.. I’ve a glass of bubbly in front of me and it’s got the better of my tongue and fingers. Incurably loosened they need to release the pent up frustration within and blurt out what is on my mind. I know it sounds trivial but my husband and I had a row tonight. A big one. And it’s New Year. And I feel sick as a sick, homeless, stray stinking dog about it. It doesn’t matter what it’s about, it’s what it brings back that hurts so much. This time a year ago we had a really rough Christmas and New Year. It nearly ended us. We came this close to splitting up but battled through it with counselling, tears, arguments, compromises, promises, broken promises etc etc etc. It feels like it’s taken eleven months to get us back on track (and we’ve only been together three and a bit years – with a two and half year old daughter – you do the math) and it’s all been zapped in one fell swoop. One false word. One slammed door. Gone. All the work and trust and the fun times starting again. All over. From my side of things, I’ve worked fucking hard this year. I’ve got new work which is finally paying the bills and I’ve really tried – I mean REALLY tried so God damn hard to put my all into my marriage. When they say relationships are hard work I wanted to put the hours in, but I feel like I’ve been doing overtime in order for it to work – and we’d just got there. And now this. I’m scared to death that the memories conjured up out of this latest row will tip us over the edge. Words get bandied about – divorce, over, end. Words I used to hate on Dynasty and Dallas – not words that I thought would ever mean something to me in real life. And I said such horrid things and I hate myself. But so did he – yet I have apologised to him, but he doesn’t want to know… I’m so god damn upset about it. I’m sat down in the kitchen on the computer, while my husband watches 2008 highlights of motorbike racing – he doesn’t want to see me you see. So I’ll see in 2009 on the pc and skype – except that my internet is down so I’m writing this offline and have no live skype. As if things couldn’t get any worse! I hate feeling depressed, but I definitely do. I want to get shitfaced and smoke fags but I can’t – I’m pregnant. Now even the joy of that feels like a noose. Not that I begrudge my daughter and unborn child. In so many ways, it’d be easier just the three of us. But I want us to be a proper family – we have the possibility and my husband and I love each other so much. But we have this thing between us – I can’t describe it. It’s so destructive. I’m so scared of it. I pray we’ll get the better of it but I can never sit back and relax. Only today I was sitting in the car thinking how happy I was – now look at me. It might as well be another existence. Christ, all I wanted this year was NO STRESS. And so far it has been. But it’s all gone tits up tonight and there doesn’t seem to be anything I can do about it except blog. I do feel better for letting it out. I don’t feel I can’t talk to anyone on the phone about it. So whoever this reaches, thanks for listening. And I’m sorry to bang on selfishly. But here’s to you, good luck in 2009. Raise a glass – I’m going to. Alone.