Where on earth have I been?

Submerged in motherhood, poo, puke, chores and the perpetual search for flexible work. That's where I've been. I have missed the blogosphere though and am happy to return.

A friend of mine has just started a blog which prompted me to re-ignite mine. Check hers out here - http://ramblingsofamumonbedrest.blogspot.com/ I know two friends who are both suffering with the same condition in their pregnancies. Life isn't fair. Pregnancy is hard enough without have extra complications. I'm thinking of them both an awful lot. It makes me realise how lucky I was to have two complication free pregnancies. My babies never wanted to come out, in fact if it wasn't for modern medicine I'm convinced they'd still be in there.

But happily they did come out and are now aged 3 and 3/4 (a very important fraction) and 11 months. If I could freeze time I would. I can safely say I've enjoyed every second of no 2's first year. She is a total delight.

Last time I blogged I was the size of a house but am happy to report that my pre pregnancy wardrobe is fully employed once more. I wish the same could be said for me.... I have been looking for work all year really. My arsehole of an ex-boss never paid me for work done in December and January leaving me in so much financial difficulty that I have had to sell almost everything I own to make ends meet. I have been doing odds and sods since then which has just about cut the mustard until we were told that we have to move house (we currently rent). So once again money matters came to the forefront and the pressure became more intense. I have interviewed for a handful of local jobs and been offered one - hooray! I was excited for about an hour until the realisation that I needed CHILDCARE hit home.... oh crap! I've never left my kids! Ever! I rang childminders, nannies, pre schools and nurseries so that I had watertight childcare arrangements. I did my calculations (thank God I passed GSCE Maths - just!) and collapsed.... after childcare costs, a cleaner (how would I be able to do housework after working 4 days per week?) I would be taking home £95 per month. Depression set in. Even without the cleaner it would be about £150. How could I possibly live without shopping at Waitrose and coffee-ing at Costa?!!! In all seriousness, once I weighed it all up, and added in the emotional trauma of leaving my children - missing out on no 2's first steps etc etc... I turned the job down. No job is worth leaving my children for. I didn't mean to fall in love with them both so much. But this is what being offered that job taught me. I was in tears everyday just thinking about it.

I am a mother first and foremost. Nothing else comes close. And I will wait patiently for my perfect, stay at home job to come up. I'm working on it right now!

Am I bad?

I was at my local toddler group last week - it's a mainstay of the week's timetable and I love it as much as my daughter. It's a chance for all the village mums to get together and gossip about who is pregnant, who's just had a baby, who's child has got chicken pox, who's child minder has just quit etc. It makes you realise that each and every mother has different issues to deal with on a daily basis. When it comes to childcare issues I count myself so fortunate that I don't have to:

a) pay for childcare
b) depend on it in order to go out to work
c) have to go through the morning and afternoon nightmare of racing to drop kids, collect kids etc.

Do any other mums at home feel the same? I realise that it's an essential part of motherhood for some, if not most mothers, but I couldn't do it. I am blessed to have skills which enable me to work from home. Although I seem to be working and mothering all at once, not to mention being a housewife.... chef... cleaner... maid... chauffer... teacher... entertainer...any others? I love it and wouldn't have it any other way now. Selfishly I like knowing that the money I earn stays in my pocket, and doesn't go straight out into paying for childcare.

However back to toddler group - our lovely lady who runs it also is my daughter's 'teacher' at nursery and she informed me that they would be moving her down to the pre school in January. This is quite early as they usually take them from two and a half or two years, nine months - my daughter was only two in August. I COULD HARDLY SUPRESS MY ELATION!!!!! The thought of three whole clear hours at home twice a week is a GIFT! Does it make me a bad, careless mother to feel this way? I don't feel as though I'm turfing the little maid out of the house, unloved and unwanted. I know she will relish in the time spent with her little friends - and to be honest a 9am-12pm slot at pre school is far more convenient than the 1.30-3.15pm I already take her to.

As a working from home mother, these mornings could add up to some really valuable and precious, uninterrupted work time... although I will have to live one dream first - I'm taking my laptop to the local deli/coffee shop, I'm going to order a large coffee and eggs benedict and abuse the wifi. For work purposes only. Honest.