Rough with the smooth

So much for my 2009 positivity. So much for clouds having silver linings. I'm really down in the depths this week. My inspiration has dried up. I'm finding it hard to work or concentrate. I'm losing patience with my toddler daughter and losing my temper too.

I found out this week that my unborn baby might have something wrong with it. Results of screening have put me (or rather my 18 week old unborn baby) at a high risk. It's something I had NEVER thought would happen. Not to me. I'm young (ish), fairly fit and healthy.. I thought I'd be fine. Guess you never know do you. I'm hoping everything will be ok but you have to prepare for the worst don't you. No good pretending everything will be fine if it won't. I've been in hospital and have had some tests done and have to wait now to find out what the results are... which will determine the fate of my little wriggler. God I hope everything will be ok - the odds are stacked in my favour but you can't help feeling that you might be that one statistic.. that 'one' out of however many. What a funny hand life deals you. My last pregnancy was unplanned, unwanted to begin with and extremely stressful. And it was the easiest pregnancy I could have wished for. This one was planned, wanted to badly and has been such a happy time for me up until now. I feel like I have to put my emotions and feelings for the baby on hold until I know if everything will be ok. It's a very surreal time. Motherhood is peppered with highs and lows, new feelings and experiences every day; I really had no idea. I always feel faced with something and this latest bomb is another emotion, another stage to get through, another experience in the scrap book of life. Never what you expect. But I'm a believer in fate and hope that my philosophy will get me through this time. Be grateful for what I have and try to focus on the good things. Hold that thought.

Growing Babies

I worked late last night - well 9pm. That's late for me. My brain disintegrates at about 7.45pm most days. If I'm lucky it will switch to auto pilot for an extra half hour. At 9pm I went to watch TV for an hour to relax before getting an early night which I'd been looking foward to for obvious reasons - my husband is away! Yesssss!!!!

As per normal there was nothing on. We have about 900 channels and every night the same problem - NOTHING on. I mean nothing! It gets quite depressing. I thank God for Sky Plus actually; at least then I can watch something I actually wanted to watch and couldn't at the time it was on. Last night's selection was Growing Babies - a new 2 parter on BBC 4 (felt quite cultural I must say). I'm intrigued by anything concerning babies, childbirth, pregnancy etc. Never was before having one, but now I'm fully converted. The miracle of life becomes quite an obsessive subject in my mind.

I was actually quite upset by the programme. I didn't watch it all to be fair, but the general jist is that your unborn child is 'warring' against you - the mother ship - for survival. Whilst I realise they take a lot from us and make us feel pretty crap for the best part of a year, I was under the lovely, romantic impression that pregnancy was a time of nurture, protection, unrequited giving and provision to ensure your unborn child has the best nutrition and chance of survival come the birth day. If you have an hour to spare take a look - there are 9 days left to watch it online.

BBC 4 Growing Babies

I'd love to hear what you think. Am I being ultra sensitive typical mother, ignoring facts and wanting my last, and any future pregnancies to be a joyful time. Not feeling as though the foetus is actually trying to bump me off so that it has a better chance in life. Good God. I think it's preposterous!! What are these people trying to do???!